you’ll take your time, but no one cares
I need you to show me the way from crazy
I wanna be so much more than this
source
If we are going to talk about goal setting, I’m going to start by being honest – I feel like a hypocrite. I also hate that word, and everything that it means – its in my top three alongside competition and criticism. It makes me feel dirty even writing those words – like i need to scrub my eyeballs out from seeing them on my screen in black and white.
But I really do feel like a hypocrite – I sit at work and talk about goals all day long, formulating plans and markers and short and long term goals. I even have a migoals diary, which is pretty awesome, but I am also pretty sure i never made it past the first two goals. And I am pretty sure I have spent the past month at least, just floating, talking my way through trying to make sense of myself and other people, bashing up against the two aforementioned C’s, stepping back from people, pulling others in… survival. And life on top of that is busy. BUSY. Its almost March, which will sprint into April and so on and so forth. I feel like I’m running to just catch my breath. Seriously, i just want to stop and have someone take care of me. Like I’m back to being five. And who wants to live with a five year old?
And, as it is, I’m in trouble for blog surfing tonight, instead of making more headway on my final uni essay for this god awful too hard subject with a tutor who is all things nice now. I have done my outline, but mostly in my head, and Adam, is rightfully angry at me because we came home early on a day out so i could squeeze in another hour to do it… in his words ‘you’re only cheating yourself… now turn the kitchen light off so I can get some sleep’. Fair call dude…
source
So whilst there are a lot of voices running around and around in my head, I’m only going to focus on three goals. Three, okay wait, four… and they probably embody much of what my ‘bigger’ picture is about (because it is okay to focus on bigger picture, everyone needs a life thread, not a week thread, Lyndal. Right -o)
Goal One – ETA Two Weeks… to conquer this three thousand word pit of hell. If anyone understands the public sphere, what Habermas has to say about it, and how social media impacts this purposefully and for the good, well be sure to send me an email with lots of references. If you are scratching your head, i’m the leader of that brigade and I ‘studied’ the bloody subject!
I am more than aware that if i just do an hour every night this week (except nights off Monday.. or, okay, even on Nights off Monday) that it will seem like less of a mountain and more of a molehill. And I am positive that had i not left the lil tiger lunchbox at work on Friday with my notes and email outline from said nice tutor, I may or may not have made some better progress this weekend.
However, bygones are exactly that.
So my goal, is to be diligent. To shut up those little whining critters and just get in there and do it. And to just write. one word at a time. Because if I can write more than the required amount in a blog post and in comments every week, then I can sure as heck do it talking about the impact of social media on the wider world and how it has connected people and changed many lives positively. This in turn, then makes it a much bigger goal of being diligent in study for the year, and for things that seem ‘too hard’ its building emotional resilience, which is never a bad thing.. it just sucks on the journey.
Goal Two – ETA 6 – 8 months… be purchasing the home. Our home. The little house that did from the little engines that could. This requires little thought, and much of what we have been doing for quite some time – diligence and persistence in our finances. Remembering, when everyone says it is impossible, it is totally possible.
I feel like being diligent is becoming a real theme, and I wonder how much of achieving goals is about that very thing. That one step each week kind of thing… the just keep swimming dory theory.
Goal Thee – ETA 12 – 24 months… Graduate.
You can’t feel it, but that one word holds a lot of weight, and even more belief in it. And it will also open up such a host of brand new opportunities.
Its such a massive deal for me – to have stuck it out to the bitter end, for such a long time. All the while, whilst working full time, and juggling so many balls. Its a big middle finger to those who said I always flit, and never finish.
I know that I crap on a lot on here about houses and study.. i seem to have a twitter whinge, or writing rant about both of these things on a daily basis, and I am probably feeding them more than what they deserve. Particularly more negative energy and thoughts than any one or two things should ever be allowed… so I feel like I need -
Goal Four – ETA ASAP… stop. take time to be thankful, and to just be.
And that is about exactly that. On Sundays, I want to enjoy the time with Adam and with family. I want Adam to be proud of his plus one, and to want to spend time with me doing insane crazy fun adventures. I don’t want to be the food/finance/ chore nazi, or the depressed/anxious black cloud. I want us to laugh and just adore.
I want to be able to stop, and just be. And be thankful, and not be constantly thinking of the next. To understand that Uni only gets an hour of my consumable thoughts and energy per day. That housing only gets the same amount of hour per week to check in for track work. That sometimes it’s okay to be exhausted and spend a day on the couch. I want to dream in vivid technicolour of the pretty things, and spaces we can create in our home, and the photographs we can take of the precious memories we are making.
I want to remember 2012 as being more than just ‘busy’ and ‘tired’.
I want to be someone people are proud to know, and love to loved.
< linking up with Deb for SYL ’12 - go and check out the other posts and show some love >
Tags: eyeballs, headway, hypocrite, kitchen light, term goals, tutor
