Wheel of Life

I have been thinking about this post for much of this week – I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to do any more thinking about my energy – or lack thereof – and my efforts, again, lacking greatly! I know that I have been too busy, again, this week – too much stimulation, greater amounts of focus required to complete tasks, more deep breaths to slow down processes and delay anger! I probably wasn’t too surprised with the ‘balance’ in the wheel of life:

Home: is cruising. We have systems and a way of just working with each other with much unspoken to get things done. We are settled, and comfortable and for the most part, it works for us. Sure, we fight about who takes the rubbish down, or there is simply too much washing up to do can we split it, however its not necessarily an area that needs, or demands too much attention or focus.

Health: is still a big one for us, and probably will be for quite some time whilst we strive for some balance. 8 months on from understanding that we were to be a gluten free household we are still adjusting and finding what works well for our household. I’ve spoken about menu planning and online shopping here this week, and its something that we have tried and failed at many times before. This year it just seems easier, it seems to click, to finally work. I also track what I am eating – for once, not with the focus to lose weight – but to make sure I am eating balanced meals, and eating enough in each day, and learning what that means for me.

Spirit: is one that I really need to focus on *sigh*. I have had many conversations, and thoughts, about my need to create my own space and connections that are just for me – that aren’t crowded with people from other parts of my life, that is simply ‘my space’. That isn’t about hiding who I am, but more of feeling, not protected so much, but working my way to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t like competition and I don’t cope very well with people who force it on to me, or being around it. I don’t feel that its all about being right all the time, or who is being wrong. However, we live in a world where people are people, not controlled bots, and in order to deal with many things that I am uncomfortable or unsettled, or crowded with, I need to take time to nurture, and rest my spirit. Like when Adam sends me to my room if I am snappy because he knows before I do I am so over tired, I am sending myself to the couch for spirit time, or twitter for connection conversation time, or for my blog for more spirit time. I need to focus and schedule on that – because being the introvert connected to the extrovert, I forget and I get carried away with living and enjoying.

Finance: is one of those funny areas, where we are focusing on, but not too much. You see we have this house dream. And we live in Sydney. And we are of the age where it can be very easy to feel pressured to be keeping up with the Joneses. However, we were very lucky to both learn our debt lessons early on in life, and have budgeted quite strictly for the better part of the past five years. Reasons for this are two fold – refusal to load up credit card debt or personal loan debt, and secondly, the desire to travel and purchase a house. Living in the ‘want it now, will get it now age’ doesn’t make it easy (refer back to Joneses pressure) however, luckily, as a team we get very much ‘screw what the world thinks, we will do what we are comfortable with’. So we have enjoyed great holidays, were saved when both cars blew up at the same time, will be okay if we can’t work for a few months, and are on the way to a house deposit. I want this year to be the year of the house. I need to be settled and planted in a space without an ongoing real estate relationship. I need to hang photos and jerseys and canvases. I need to have a dog type creature. So, week by week we stick with our budget, and we save, and we live, and we save, and we live. So its a focus, but a rhythm we are settled into.

Relationship: has to always be a massive focus. I don’t want to take Adam for granted, although there are days when I know I do. I don’t want to take my family and their people for granted, although I know I will. I know which relationships I want to protect and have various areas of focus that enable me to do that effectively which speaks to these people loudest. Phone dates, daily emails, dinners, whatever it takes. I don’t make new friends, or connections easily – and I am fiercely protective of those that I do. A wise woman once told me we only need seven close relationships to fill all the emotional needs that we may have . I found that notion both crazy and also comforting.

Integrity: much like home is a cruising one. It is so ingrained into the fabric of who we are, it doesn’t really need much focus at the times when it isn’t so much called into question. I was pretty bowled over this week where a situation where Adam could have quite easily compromised this time and time again – however he refused to and kept quite calm during the long drawn out process. Its funny how hindsight reveals our greatest qualities and highest values.

Work: is another cruiser one at the moment. i know for myself, I go in every day, I do my best, and that has to be enough. there is so much I cannot control in that, and i trust my boss wholeheartedly to let me know where I need to step up, and if i need to start to worry focus.

Study: sigh. BIG SIGH! I mentioned last week how exhausted I felt. How this journey of study feels so hard, so never ending, so not worth it. With a big holiday coming up I was really unsettled as to whether I wanted to do a full study load for next term. Coming out of one of the hardest subjects of my life, I wasn’t sure how I could, or would cope – even with very logical, black and white subjects. I wanted to cry just thinking about it – but I knew if i stopped, I absolutely would not go back. So that wasn’t an option. So i devised a compromise, and discussed it with my boss, and with Adam, and it still sits well with me and my heart, it feels good, it feels like the right decision (and fits with my mission statement!) I am doing one uni subject, and one nutrition certificate course, just for me. I’m a bit excited to be honest, which is something I wasn’t sure I would feel about learning ever again!

The deal with this though, is that I start my major essay for Art History this weekend, and have it done in two weeks, so I can start and finish my Sociology major essay. They are due a day apart, and I refuse to be so intimidated by them that i don’t start / finish until the last minute!

This could easily be overwhelming, this whole challenge could easily be so overwhelming – especially for us women who aren’t used to thinking about us as people, and evaluating and doing so much mental work and allowing time for ourselves. It gave me pause to wonder, how easy it is to put things in the too hard basket – when it is confronting, or scary, or not within our daily norm. When the initial excitement and newness wears off and we are left staring at the blank computer screen with its blinking cursor when everyone else is long in bed fast asleep….

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear
our presence automatically liberates others’
Marianne Williamson 

Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep seeking. Keep striving. You are here for a reason, you are connected and participating for a reason. Your excitement was for a reason – some of which you may not have been able to articulate or acknowledge. Keep going.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

<linking up with Deb for SYL’12 challenge>

Why my fortnights are no longer spent in Food Hell…

If I don’t plan, I know my fortnight is going straight to hell. Not just Simpsons Hell, but fiery bloated, burning every end, empty bank account, loss of sleep i feel like I am going to die type of hell. When you are juggling lots of ‘full time’ type balls, and one of you is in the full time of 6 days per week, managing a house hold and chores, and fitting in everything you want to do can be akin to a logistical nightmare.

Somehow we make it work. We are managing to make it work. However, this year has seen a fantastic evolution of sorts that is all sorts of awesome. I am talking meal planning and online shopping. We have tried before – okay I have tried this before, and it lasted for two or three meals and then died in the butt. The supermarket was annoying, I have food intolerances and it was all just way too hard basket.  Something has clicked this year and it is working – much to my amazement. And i feel good, and we are looking and being much healthier

This I know to be true – online shopping for groceries for us, is time saving, convenient and stops us from those impulsive need it know mmmm chocolate and bakery treat buys. It fills our kitchen with filling and healthy foods, and we don’t feel the desire to eat family blocks of chocolate. Except if we go to the movies.

Vegetables weigh less than you think they do… ordering half a kilo of snow peas and green beans, mean you will be eating them with every single meal for the next fourteen days. Main meals, Snacks, everything. And you will love them, even if it kills you!

Scouring magazines for awesome low fat recipes is fun, and I get a kick out of spending an hour or two finding foods that ‘fit’ for both of us.

I enjoy getting up after some couch time, and cooking and preparing lunches for the next day. I love filling up the tiger bag with fun bright containers and knowing it all comes in under 1200 calories for the day, and I won’t even feel hungry or crave the hectic stuff that isn’t doing my body, or anyone around me any good.

Discovering new and delicious foods is fun – bocconcini cheese is absolutely delicious with basil and proscuitto baked chicken wraps. Pine nuts are absolutely mouth watering. Boiled egg on a slice of toast is great for afternoon teas at work.

Yes, its a little bit of extra work every fortnight. But the benefits far outweigh that ‘extra work’ – and not surprisingly, I enjoy the research and being organised : )

<Linking in with Kellie from The Good, The Bad and The Unnecessary for another Things I know Friday! >

Follow the string… Part One

most of the week my mind has been like this:

I tried to be excited and enthusiastic, and instead I was angry and tired. oh so tired. the get home from work and once I have cooked dinner i cannot for the life of me move tired. I was also overwhelmed. With work. With Uni. With a stupid essay that I couldn’t even understand let alone write. I am not meant to be a sociologist. I am just meant to pass this one last subject – for the love of all things God like.

It was in amongst this tiredness, and angriness, and questioning of can i just finish this degree now (!)  that not one, but two different people independently challenged me to write a mission statement. oh. the irony.

And its tougher than it sounds – I’m not a big picture for myself kind of person. I can plan the yearly budgets, the fortnightly groceries and meals… but ask me any further than a year and it gets kind of wish washy. I hate surprises, I hate competition even more. I kind of don’t like to dream big – because there are too many variables, and I would rather not hedge my bets and my heart it its going to b a massive let down with no plan b.

HOWEVER, with no big picture, no ‘why’ to the me, how does one get through the tough times, the rule changing and bitchiness, the really crappy days, the assignments that seem endless, the saving 40% of your wage and bypassing the i want i want i want’s? Where does the thread lead to beyond tomorrow?

So with that in mind, I decided to do a personal mission statement, and a Killer Family Mission statement to come.. because if I know who I am, but not where I am going, what good does that do for our little family unit?

So, a brief description of my fundamental purpose, an answer to the question why do I exist, why do I do what i do? It started with this thought:

I am respectful of myself and others
I create and cultivate a safe, secure and loving home for those I call family
I support and nuture dreams and goals
I meet people where they are at – and believe in them for their better
I strive to learn, and complete tasks that I start
- I will finish my degree, and open a world of post graduate opportunities
I treat my body with respect, and provide the fuel it needs to survive
I make time to connect, protect and cherish my most important relationships

And then, I felt I needed to be more succinct, more precise… more of a one liner… and so came this:

source

to protect, connect and cherish my most important relationships, whilst encouraging, teaching and assisting others to be the best that they can be – one step at a time. 

——

That feels good. It sits well. It feels like I can connect most of what I do in my life to that little sentence. And maybe put the bigger paragraph under to provide a broader understanding. It doesn’t give me a step by step life, or five year plan, but it is a step, a learning curve. And this year there will be many of those. Dreams will be dreamt, goals will be made, steps will be taken. Patience will be built!

I’m hoping to be more of myself this week… I felt a little lost not blogging, connecting with my favourite linkys, expressing what was going on in my head – but I did kick some great goals, mostly in our health and our family time. And I connected with some great people and had some truly fun twitter conversations – I feel good, like I am taking small steps and building friendships.

Becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

<this is another SYL ’12 challenge post, linking in with Deb >

It was a beautiful day…

Remember Rachel?

RACHEL GOT MARRIED!!

Aren’t they just gorgeous!!!!

Linking in with My Little Drummer Boys for a pretty wordless post

What makes the girl?

For something that shapes our actions – be it consciously, or not – values is such a funny, misunderstood word. I have spent much of the week pondering these funny descriptive words, trying to find five that capture who I am and where I am at, right now. And let me tell you, in my head it has been a busy week indeed.

So lets kick this off… this is a literal snapshot of me, who I am, right now:

Not right right now, but close enough. Christmas Eve, with the Killer clan – hence the red. For christmas. Not for killing. And what drives the heart of this little person? What makes her tick, her mama bear go into overdrive? In order, as were our orders:

adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character;
honesty;the state of being whole; entire; undiminished.

consistency of actions, values, methods, measures,
principles, expectations and outcomes.
freedom from corrupting influences.

Having this as my highest values has gotten me into trouble, bullied, bitched about, gossiped, belittled and any other adjective you’d like to add there. But when measuring up the long term gain for that ‘short term (feels endless)’ cost, to me it is an honest no brainer. It is not (always) easy. It is not (always) popular. It is not (always) what I particularly feel like, or want to do. Sometimes I just want to go along, be part of the crowd, pretend I don’t care, notice, or have any concern.

But I do.

And I do not want to can not to change that.

When it gets hard, I have been told, and subsequently learnt to ask three questions: ‘Why is this important? Why do I want to fit in? What is the cost of me doing so?’ and every. single. time. i realise, the cost is far too great, despite the right now.

to sustain, or withstand without giving way; to undergo or endure,
especially with patience or submission; tolerate; to sustain
(a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc)
under trial or affliction; to maintain or advocate

to not leave anyone behind 

Support. There is so much I could say about this word. But let me instead tell you a story – for so much of my life, I have just wanted to ‘fit’. Alas, I was never enough – not pretty enough, not nerdy enough, not tomboyish enough, not girly enough – and i floated, and my nickname, one of the only ones i had for a long time, was tag along.

That still hurts my heart, I won’t lie.

Then came the should nots,  - you should not cry so easily, you should not read so much, you should not think so much, you should not do whatever the bloody hell it is you like to do so much. Talk about confusion. It is only in the last, decade, lets say… that I have really come into my own. And for the first time in my life on Tuesday night, a relatively complete stranger told me, that there was no such thing, I was me and that was a completely wonderful thing to be, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, or who i was, or what i loved.

oh. the. tears.

My point is. I won’t ever be the inner circle – its not who I am, and it is not who I am born to be, it is not my part to play. I may not ever win award, be the top person, make a blog roll, have the most friends on face book, or the most twitter or instagram followers. And I don’t bloody well care. However, I will comment on new bloggers blogs. I will reply to comments I receive. I will encourage, and support and follow and love on all of the other beautiful and courageous people i will meet throughout my life, this challenge and however else it is you encounter people these days and beyond.

Because everyone is searching for their place. Everyone is taking brave new steps. Everyone is overcoming their own fears, worries and anxieties. Everyone is trying something new, going somewhere they have never been. And i will never tell anyone its not enough, or let them do it alone. I am only one person, but I live with intent, and I do what I can, where I can. < rant over! >

 an inner quality, mood, disposition
an expression or appearance of merriment or amusement

the best medicine

So. I understand that this may seem a bit random. But trust me, it is intentional. Because, laughter, really is the best medicine – and i know that if i can find the strength to laugh, to find amusement in a situation that seems so drastic and hopeless and all sorts of WTF, then it is going to be okay.

And so, in every day, there are lots of things I do, or say, or make a general ijjit of myself to make myself laugh, and those I am around. (where its appropriate and where its not) I use a lot of ‘juvenile’ humour… like answering ‘your mum’ to a serious of questions, or ‘your face’ (i.e., Adam: far out, i can’t stand it, its so hot. Lyndal: your face is hot.) or when someone says ‘what?’ just saying ‘what?’ or ‘huh’ back and seeing how long that conversation goes for. We also have key words, that we know will make the other laugh, or just really random things that make people giggle (hint, on a popular Australian news website, there is a section for ‘weird and wonderful stories’ that are handy in emailing friends!)

Whats my point? I do have one! And that is, laughter breaks tension. It stops your brain from it’s million miles an hour thoughts. It connects people. It makes you feel lighter. It is crazy. It is beautiful. It is one of the ways I show love.

I choose laughter over sadness (where i can).

something that secures or makes safe
protection; defense; freedom from financial cares or wants
precautions taken to guard against crime
attack, sabotage etc

you will be caught when you feel like you are falling

Personally, I am surprised that this value is ‘so far down’ the list! And it probably shows how far I have come, and how far 2011 bought me in terms of that horrible word ‘trust’! I have always been a worrier. And with being a worrier, comes being someone who has catastrophic thoughts (think along the lines of when your boss says, ‘hey I need to talk with you a bit later’ you immediately think you are fired and so on and so forth) it is exhausting, and horrible, and hard. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!

But security is still fairly high up on my list of values. Because I need to know that I will always be caught, so I can face the ‘worst’.  And i have strengthened connections and my most important relationships, so I know that I absolutely always will. And its one of the values, that I know will absolutely make me an awesome mama. Because you can bet your booty that precautions will always be taken and they will always be caught. Because everyone deserves a safe place, to recharge and be able to conquer the world that is at their feet.

descendants. a group of people who share common
attitudes, interests of goals; belonging

love. strength. support.

I am sitting here trying to work out how to ‘justify’ why this is ‘so far down’ on my top five. I don’t think its because it is any more, or any less important than any other value I have discussed. I don’t think it is because they have not shaped me to be who I am, and provided me with a great life, and support, and strength, and love. they have, they do. I don’t think it is because they have not shown me what is most important to me in creating my own family unit with Adam, and what compromise and sacrifice mean in the face of a long term relationship, a marriage. they have, they absolutely do. 

I think it’s almost because if they weren’t connected to me by blood, I would still want to have them in my life. If they weren’t my blood, I would still choose to be friends with them, and hang out with them on a very regular basis. If they weren’t my blood, I would still respect, admire, and be proud of the very people they are, have become and are growing to be. If they weren’t my blood, I would still love them to bits and pieces, and be the annoying random hilaribubble sister, and daughter.

One hundred million percent.

So yes, family is important to me. And so are the lessons they have taught me, the values they have instilled in me, and the way they have helped shape me, and still do. But if it hadn’t happened how it did, I would still choose them to be as close as we have grown to be.

————–

it takes courage to grow up and be who you really are

-e.e. cummings

< linking with Deb for SYL ’12 – read some more awesome posts here >