What makes the girl?

For something that shapes our actions – be it consciously, or not – values is such a funny, misunderstood word. I have spent much of the week pondering these funny descriptive words, trying to find five that capture who I am and where I am at, right now. And let me tell you, in my head it has been a busy week indeed.

So lets kick this off… this is a literal snapshot of me, who I am, right now:

Not right right now, but close enough. Christmas Eve, with the Killer clan – hence the red. For christmas. Not for killing. And what drives the heart of this little person? What makes her tick, her mama bear go into overdrive? In order, as were our orders:

adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character;
honesty;the state of being whole; entire; undiminished.

consistency of actions, values, methods, measures,
principles, expectations and outcomes.
freedom from corrupting influences.

Having this as my highest values has gotten me into trouble, bullied, bitched about, gossiped, belittled and any other adjective you’d like to add there. But when measuring up the long term gain for that ‘short term (feels endless)’ cost, to me it is an honest no brainer. It is not (always) easy. It is not (always) popular. It is not (always) what I particularly feel like, or want to do. Sometimes I just want to go along, be part of the crowd, pretend I don’t care, notice, or have any concern.

But I do.

And I do not want to can not to change that.

When it gets hard, I have been told, and subsequently learnt to ask three questions: ‘Why is this important? Why do I want to fit in? What is the cost of me doing so?’ and every. single. time. i realise, the cost is far too great, despite the right now.

to sustain, or withstand without giving way; to undergo or endure,
especially with patience or submission; tolerate; to sustain
(a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc)
under trial or affliction; to maintain or advocate

to not leave anyone behind 

Support. There is so much I could say about this word. But let me instead tell you a story – for so much of my life, I have just wanted to ‘fit’. Alas, I was never enough – not pretty enough, not nerdy enough, not tomboyish enough, not girly enough – and i floated, and my nickname, one of the only ones i had for a long time, was tag along.

That still hurts my heart, I won’t lie.

Then came the should nots,  - you should not cry so easily, you should not read so much, you should not think so much, you should not do whatever the bloody hell it is you like to do so much. Talk about confusion. It is only in the last, decade, lets say… that I have really come into my own. And for the first time in my life on Tuesday night, a relatively complete stranger told me, that there was no such thing, I was me and that was a completely wonderful thing to be, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, or who i was, or what i loved.

oh. the. tears.

My point is. I won’t ever be the inner circle – its not who I am, and it is not who I am born to be, it is not my part to play. I may not ever win award, be the top person, make a blog roll, have the most friends on face book, or the most twitter or instagram followers. And I don’t bloody well care. However, I will comment on new bloggers blogs. I will reply to comments I receive. I will encourage, and support and follow and love on all of the other beautiful and courageous people i will meet throughout my life, this challenge and however else it is you encounter people these days and beyond.

Because everyone is searching for their place. Everyone is taking brave new steps. Everyone is overcoming their own fears, worries and anxieties. Everyone is trying something new, going somewhere they have never been. And i will never tell anyone its not enough, or let them do it alone. I am only one person, but I live with intent, and I do what I can, where I can. < rant over! >

 an inner quality, mood, disposition
an expression or appearance of merriment or amusement

the best medicine

So. I understand that this may seem a bit random. But trust me, it is intentional. Because, laughter, really is the best medicine – and i know that if i can find the strength to laugh, to find amusement in a situation that seems so drastic and hopeless and all sorts of WTF, then it is going to be okay.

And so, in every day, there are lots of things I do, or say, or make a general ijjit of myself to make myself laugh, and those I am around. (where its appropriate and where its not) I use a lot of ‘juvenile’ humour… like answering ‘your mum’ to a serious of questions, or ‘your face’ (i.e., Adam: far out, i can’t stand it, its so hot. Lyndal: your face is hot.) or when someone says ‘what?’ just saying ‘what?’ or ‘huh’ back and seeing how long that conversation goes for. We also have key words, that we know will make the other laugh, or just really random things that make people giggle (hint, on a popular Australian news website, there is a section for ‘weird and wonderful stories’ that are handy in emailing friends!)

Whats my point? I do have one! And that is, laughter breaks tension. It stops your brain from it’s million miles an hour thoughts. It connects people. It makes you feel lighter. It is crazy. It is beautiful. It is one of the ways I show love.

I choose laughter over sadness (where i can).

something that secures or makes safe
protection; defense; freedom from financial cares or wants
precautions taken to guard against crime
attack, sabotage etc

you will be caught when you feel like you are falling

Personally, I am surprised that this value is ‘so far down’ the list! And it probably shows how far I have come, and how far 2011 bought me in terms of that horrible word ‘trust’! I have always been a worrier. And with being a worrier, comes being someone who has catastrophic thoughts (think along the lines of when your boss says, ‘hey I need to talk with you a bit later’ you immediately think you are fired and so on and so forth) it is exhausting, and horrible, and hard. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!

But security is still fairly high up on my list of values. Because I need to know that I will always be caught, so I can face the ‘worst’.  And i have strengthened connections and my most important relationships, so I know that I absolutely always will. And its one of the values, that I know will absolutely make me an awesome mama. Because you can bet your booty that precautions will always be taken and they will always be caught. Because everyone deserves a safe place, to recharge and be able to conquer the world that is at their feet.

descendants. a group of people who share common
attitudes, interests of goals; belonging

love. strength. support.

I am sitting here trying to work out how to ‘justify’ why this is ‘so far down’ on my top five. I don’t think its because it is any more, or any less important than any other value I have discussed. I don’t think it is because they have not shaped me to be who I am, and provided me with a great life, and support, and strength, and love. they have, they do. I don’t think it is because they have not shown me what is most important to me in creating my own family unit with Adam, and what compromise and sacrifice mean in the face of a long term relationship, a marriage. they have, they absolutely do. 

I think it’s almost because if they weren’t connected to me by blood, I would still want to have them in my life. If they weren’t my blood, I would still choose to be friends with them, and hang out with them on a very regular basis. If they weren’t my blood, I would still respect, admire, and be proud of the very people they are, have become and are growing to be. If they weren’t my blood, I would still love them to bits and pieces, and be the annoying random hilaribubble sister, and daughter.

One hundred million percent.

So yes, family is important to me. And so are the lessons they have taught me, the values they have instilled in me, and the way they have helped shape me, and still do. But if it hadn’t happened how it did, I would still choose them to be as close as we have grown to be.

————–

it takes courage to grow up and be who you really are

-e.e. cummings

< linking with Deb for SYL ’12 – read some more awesome posts here >

Tags: Community, Connection, family, Integrity, Laughter, love, Security, self, Support, SYL12