makes me that much stronger…

To dear my local place where super fit people gather to accumulate more muscles and sweat…

You have really tested me this past week, and not in any sort of a good way.

I was SO excited two weeks ago to go and visit you to talk to a very friendly girl about my plans to attend 2 – 3 times per week for strength and some flexibility type classes to compliment my running program.

I even rocked up at 6am to work with someone who would write me a program and patiently showed me how to use the machines. I was excited. I was going to attend, and I was going to face my group fitness fears with all the people who totally look like they are professionals and attend classes – even if I didn’t own my own mat and they all did. And it was great, I felt awesome, I was inspired.

Unfortunately, a week ago I found out that an error had been made, and quite a large one… and no one was quite sure how or why and everyone seemed to be pointing fingers at each other. I promptly cancelled… what was I to do? Too much had happened, and I had no trust or faith – in the business, let alone the customer service.

I would like to thank you though…  Over the past few days for upon finding out the extent of what you had done, you gave my person a great opportunity to fight for me. And fight he did.

My wonderful person got on that phone – my wonderful person who is so good at words and doesn’t cry when the situation is too overwhelming. Who is smart enough to call you out when you tried to call me a liar, and calmly strung coherent sentences together when you put him on hold for 20 minutes hoping he would hang up and then again when you started to yell at him.  My wonderful person who told your head office how proud he was of me for everything that I had been doing and that he was so upset, because you had attempted to crush that budding spirit and motivation. My wonderful person who fought and supported me without thinking twice, who rose to the challenge.

But guess what… he was wrong on one thing. You don’t get to take away my spirit and motivation. I still have goals, and yes you have made me angry. Instead of eating that anger, I am getting dirty with Jillian and for half an hour we stretch, punch and crunch that anger out.  I pound the pavement and the hills that surround us three times a week even when it is cold and I don’t feel like it. I lay on my back and stretch it out with that weird little yoga man on my big screen. I understand that you made a mistake that got big and ugly and compounded with more mistakes, but you don’t get to take my dreams and my goals away with that too.

So thankyou. You showed me how awesome again my person is, and gave him a chance to shine. You showed me that I can achieve my goals, and I am able to do so with grit and determination – and I can even do that in my own home and surrounding streets,  armed with a wonderful online community, a great internet connection and a DVD player I can get all the equipment I need to do so. And I know, that when things get tough, that its just another mountain to run over and I bloody well can do that – and at a faster speed I could have two weeks ago at that.

You can’t take my spirit.

Kind Regards,

Lyndal xx
Runner, Weight Cruncher, Goal Achiever extraordinaire

< summing up my week in fitness for Fitness Friday check out more inspirational women over there>

strong

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i was pulling on my running shorts the other day feeling somewhat less than enthusiastic, but knowing I needed to get out, get some sun and fresh air. And I caught my reflection in the mirror and it made me pause. My legs… They looked different.  Strong. 

The muscles and the shape, a litte bit more defined. A little bit toned. It was a boost, when the cm’s are falling but the scales are rising.

Stronger

Twenty minutes later, running back up the hill – the legs are burning, I’m getting a stitch, and I want to sit down – no not at the sign, or the next tree, right bloody now, please?

And out of nowhere, that little voice in my head pipes up

Come on girl. Stand up tall, straight. Feel the strength in those legs. You can so make this. Push it, you can do it

And I wonder, if that’s just it…

Stand up straight.

Feel your strength (it’s in there!)

One step at a time.

You can do it

< there is also strength in numbers and community, and fitness has been my only constant this week. So to end my blog hiatus it’s only fitting that I join in with Fitness Friday. Check out the posts of the women who constantly support me in this journey – they are amazing! >

And I’m so sorry, it’s not like me

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i wonder if people realise
that their words
linger in the air long after
they have left their lips

i wonder
if people realise that
words can pierce straight
through the heart
and scar

i wonder how long
anger can be held
so tightly
that it becomes a soft warm
comfortable blanket
justified
although never discussed

i wonder if it’s fine to
leave the other to wonder
what happened
what they did wrong
whats coming next

i wonder if
they realise

i wonder if they realise
and decide that it is okay
or if they really don’t care at all

i wonder
if defeated is the best word
or is it deflated
i wonder if i should try again
or if i should leave things
unanswered 

i wonder
and i realise
i don’t have the energy

defeated, and deflated
that my best, that I

am still
not enough 

 

Take a drink to get your courage up…

The question posed by Eden this week absolutely gave me pause to think… in fact, even Adam my little karaoke jukebox encyclopaedia and muser of all things left of the middle was also stumped (and still has not provided me an answer, humph!) And honestly, I was surprised I had not ever thought about this in any particular detail before… Partly because I am absolutely terrified of death, of the long black nothingness. Of my life meaning nothing. Of wasting time. Of the unknown. Did I mention the long black nothingness? I am also slightly petrified of any of my family or inner circle passing.. I’m not so sure how I would cope. And then would my life turn into a long black nothingness? Anyway, back to the request…

“Tell me your funeral song”

I’m kind of torn.. none of the songs by the band that I am known to love quite ‘fit’ my funeral, much like me and most of my life, it just doesn’t ‘fit’ in how it should, or where it should (irony!)  and the songs that I have carried with me for years, that always get me singing and wanting to dance and loving, have lyrics that are… unsuitable? For example this one, love the song, not quite right for the purpose:

 

Or this one…

 

Somehow the repeated line of  ’I've never been so alive’ would go down too well… although the people who know me would get a super giggle out of it. Because we all have warped senses of humour like that. I did especially like (seriously) ‘Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you’re guiltless and free I hope you take a piece of me with you’ …

However, after much music listening, you tube surfing and lyric reading, i have come down to two, wholly appropriate songs.. that incidentally i remember working in the city, over a decade ago listening to both songs when I needed to go to a quiet place. to shut my eyes. to just breathe. to just be.

I see it around me, I see it in everything…
I said my goodbyes this is my sundown.
Good, Goodbye, lovely times
Good, Goodbye, Good Goodnight 

What would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that – thought I might get one more chance
May Angels lead you in, Hear you me, my friends….

I never said thank you for that – now I’ll never have the chance

And if you were with me tonight
I’d sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn’t let it live

May angels lead you in…

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