source unknown – sorry 

I should be sorry for running my own race. For not caring what you are doing, or trying to keep up with all the things you are doing, the Joneses must be an amazing bunch. For not living outside our means just to keep up appearances. For not whinging long and loud and clearly that its just all too hard and woe is me. I should be sorry, for not feeling like life is horrible and annoying and hard and hurtful.

It is… it is horrible and hard and hurtful. It is sad. It is illogical, and catches us so that we can’t breathe and can barely stumble. It is unbearable sadness, and unbearable lightness. The Joneses are all in your head – at the end of the day no one really cares, let alone notices. Its just stuff. And life, life isn’t all about stuff – definitely not stuff you can buy. 

I should be sorry for not having endless patience. For not sitting and coddling and mothering. I should be sorry for not taking more notice and celebrating your smugness. I should be sorry for not being competitive so one of us could come out on top and be ‘better’. For not reacting how you expect. For not sharing my success so you can ride on the tails. For not saying what you think I should. For not backing down. For not giving in.

But, what good is giving up my integrity? I am the one who has to live with myself, and sleep with myself each night. I’m not entering into the playground games. Im just not willing to give up the freedom I have in being authentic to myself, regardless of what that looks like. Competition and smugness serves no one well. 

I should be sorry for having a messy house. For having baskets of washing hanging out to be ironed for the better part of weeks. For not cooking dinner every single night, and packing smorgasbord lunches every single day. For not having boundless energy. For doing what we want to do, and nothing else. For having a fish tank that is full of water, with no fish.

Okay, so the fish tank thing is just plain amusing, and a great symbol that we are so full and rich in our friendships and lives that we don’t get to the shops to buy the blinking fish. Whatever. Same with the messy house and the ironing. I’d rather have a messy house, and the biggest mount fold more in the south west of Sydney than sacrifice the fullness and richness of our relationships and our lives. Cooking dinner every night would mean we wouldn’t know everyone at Italian by name, and we wouldn’t laugh at all the crazy people in the main street, and their stretch sausage dogs. 

I should be sorry for not getting high distinctions in every subject I tackle. I should be sorry for not getting my targets every single month. For sometimes being so distracted in beauty and showing my love that sometimes our savings gets spent. I should be sorry for us taking so many holidays. I should be sorry that you don’t always like what i have to say, that my blog isn’t always that interesting, or that this post didn’t take your fancy.

I should be sorry that it’s not good enough for you.

I should be sorry that I’m not everyone’s perfect.

but I’m so not. 

I’m thankful that I am imperfectly perfect.

That I am loved.

That I am so flawed, as there is beauty and genius in those flaws. That I am achieving amazing things, that I never thought I could do. That the sense of achievement I feel is there, because I slogged out every single baby step of the way. That I am a work in progress. That I build up lifers for friends, not billions of people who only know my name. That my writing is so hodge podge random, because that is reflective of my life and adventure. That I am full of laughter and light.

That I am me.

So, I don’t really care what you want from me.

Because this is who I am.

Neigh.

PS. Click on the neigh. Read more strong amazing courageous womens sorry (or not) posts. Leave them comments, acknowledge their strength and their vulnerability, all of which is simply beautiful. Stop. Reflect. Breathe.

Filed under: Fresh Horses Brigade Tagged: fish, fish tank, fresh horses brigade, high school, horse, joneses, not really, patience, playground, playground games, smugness, sorry, stupid ]]> http://familyofkillers.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/it-messed-me-up-need-a-second-to-breathe/feed/ 7 familyofkillers m221099958 http://familyofkillers.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/holiday-celebration/ http://familyofkillers.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/holiday-celebration/#comments Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:16:58 +0000 lyndal http://familyofkillers.wordpress.com/?p=503 ]]> Much of my time over the past week has been spent
essay writing  daydreaming

of all the deliciously wonderful things to purchase in Hawaii…

all the sparkly pretty things

that I never let myself go crazy spend money on

that would cost mega tonne truck bucks to get shipped here…
Lets delight in their sparkly
beautiful, wonderfullnessssssssssssss…..

 and lets not let our minds wander
to the expenditure
of all  these beautiful pretties

and lets not forget duty free….

Maybe this post should be named… the one that gave Adam a heart attack

<wordless wednesday fun with my little drummer boys>

Products courtesy of:
www.tiffany.com
www.nordstrom.com
www.sephora.com
www.forever21.com
www.nixonnow.com
www.johnnycupcakes.com 
www.sunglasshut.com
www.victoriassecret.com

Flight bought to you by: Hawaiian Airlines

Funded by: Lyndal and Adam with 40+ hour working weeks

Expenditure stoppage by: Year of the house 2012

source

Being challenged to create a vision board made me stop and pause for a little bit… then I marched home past the two dollar shop and bought a cork board (incidentally for seven dollars… why are they even called two dollar shops for?!). I put it in my study room which is filled with pretty to help me ‘study’… and slowly but surely its being filled up…

There are houses and apartments in our area that would be suitable for us for the next five to ten years… so we can start to get an idea of what is around, what the market is doing and be sort of prepared for the second half of this year..

There are some photos of Adam and I in the Grand Canyon to remind me of the beauty of travel, of creating new adventures, of doing new things and exploring this world together. It also makes me laugh because we always have the best time on our holidays – this particular photo of myself is minutes before Adam tried to warn me it was very slippery going down some steps to the edge of the canyon… as I fell hard and slid on my ass down it. When I got to the bottom step we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe.

Next to the photos is part of the great big Adam party invite… Its a pretty awesome invite, and a great reminder never to do anything important at midnight, because spelling mistakes happen. That aside, it reminds me to always have something to look forward to and be excited about. Its going to be such a great day with all of his closest friends and family there. I can’t wait. April is going to be SUCH a great fantastic awesome month.

And right smack bang in the middle? The reminder to focus on the awesome stuff… and when the narky stuff gets in the way, remembering it won’t last forever, and I do have a choice about where I am going to put my focus and energy…

And the result of all this vision boarding? My brain feels less cluttered. Instead of racing a million miles an hour, I have a place to ‘park’ those thoughts and to do’s and remember this’s. It’s pretty awesome, and its working for me right now. It is so refreshing to have something physical to touch and see and be so in my face – it can be easy to switch off computers and phones to get away from things I don’t want to see!!!

<another SYl ’12 post check it out here>

source

I work in an industry that is at times, tough. It requires a lot of meeting people where they are at, and working with them to realise their potential and to start shining again. It is meeting people when they are broken, and hurting, and scared. And like nurses, who see people when they are sick and at their worst, sometimes bringing about light and love and life isn’t easy. And it can hurt. It is a beautiful, amazing job and I absolutely love what I do – but, it can be tough.

It can be especially tough, when I am my own worst critic. When I am the perfectionist, the one who is toughest on myself. The one who no matter what happens, perpetually thinks that I am not doing ‘well enough’ or that I will suddenly be out of a job. Completely ridiculous, catastrophic thinking which has no founding – but still, I struggle, and I battle on in the war field of my mind.

I can understand that this may cause some extent of exasperation to those around me- I’m like a five year old (again!) who can’t let go of that bone, that thought, that unfounded fear and loss of control. And just when it feels like its all going down the gurgler and I just can’t…

Life shows my brain up. Again.

source

I have achieved, I am achieving more than I ever imagined that this little engine that could, ever could. A celebration of landmarks that I never expected… and it made me remember that I need to have more faith. In where I am, and where I am meant to be – are exactly one and the same.  And that the impossible, will remain impossible until I believe it to be any different.

I know I am not God – I can’t be all ‘Let there be light’ and then bam there it is… but I do know, that who am I to say I can’t, who is anyone to say cannot, or will not, or should not? I know that with anything, patience and persistence and faith will pay off in some way – even if it’s not the way i envisioned, or am expecting.

Life also showed me that amazing things happen to amazing, nice, beautiful women , and most of all – dreams are planted in our hearts for a reason. Not to be crushed, or broken or destroyed – but to be nurtured and held very carefully whilst they begin to flourish and flower. Sometimes it is slow, and hard and long and feels never ending – but that, that is the very thing that makes it so so so much sweeter.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet…it just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright. Live right now, and be yourself – it doesn’t matter if its good enough for someone else… Just do your best, do everything you can – everything will be just fine. 

Testify!

P.S After all that blinking whining and whinging woe is me and this god awful annoyingly hard stupid subject  I have to write an essay on? I am a third of the way through writing it, and I am actually getting into it and somewhat maybe even enjoying it (gasp!) so there we go again, another tally for diligence and patience…. sigh. Maybe I just like showing myself up and proving myself to be wrong?!

Start the day sick, with lemonade in your love mug…

Make some little tags… just to remember not to be miserable and sick… nap time again

 Some rearrangement around the market flowers
Candles to remind you of the day spa… totally relaxes 

Whip up some of your favourite dessert.. back to sleep

Light the candles, smile at the memories..

Relaxing in the glow, eating a healthy dinner!

And I know,
that I am
I am
the luckiest 

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. 

<linking up for wordless wednesday at my little drummer boys – it has been a while!>