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breathe in, breathe out

You know that saying ‘change happens one step at a time’ that we all feel was said a million years ago by someone who probably wouldn’t have a clue? Turns out, like most cliches its pretty bloody true.

source

Right now, I feel incredibly sick. Like I want to either vomit, or go back to bed, or maybe a mixture of both. This is a cause for celebration. No darlings, I am not pregnant - I went to the gym at 6am this morning. Yeah, go back and re read that for a second. And then remember 12 weeks ago I was the ultimate couch potato who didn’t remember the last time they went out of their way to exercise.

There are a boatload of things that we have all been working on through the SYL challenge, and lots of hard core internal stuff happening. It became pretty darn obvious in goal setting that diligence and taking time out to be the best version of me were the ultimate goals for the year in all areas of my life. And that can look pretty overwhelming and annoying and way too hard basket anyway so why even start.

Because starting meant finishing a uni essay where i didn’t even understand the question. Starting meant to not be so caught up with the what – ifs, so much as being caught up in living and enjoying life. Starting meant connecting, admitting blog crushes, writing, growing and forming new friendships. Starting meant being active and having a million cheerleaders when the days are tough and you just don’t feel like it. Starting meant just doing one thing at a time, and just focusing on the next step, because the rest will come when its meant to.

And I wonder, if all too often we put things in the too hard basket and don’t even bother because we haven’t bothered to break it down into bite sized pieces. You know how they have fun size mars bars and king sized ones? And sometimes you can only handle a fun size – there is a reason for that! And if you get five minutes into your fun size step and you still dont feel like it? Put it down and go back to it another time, it’s still going to be there.

I understand that diligence, and acheiving your fun size, takes a fair effort in planning and preparation. I’m lucky because thats the part that makes me high, I literally love it and go all jelly legs at the thought of a fresh menu plan, or week plan, or heaven forbid, new stationery! I also understand this whole lack of time not enough hours in the day thing every single woman goes though – children or not. But honestly – some of you blog in the loo, so go and plan there too. All jokes aside, what is it going to cost you not to plan? Not to break it down so you can realistically achieve what you wish to? And if you are happy with the cost, then by all means – ignore it, sacrifice whatever it is you had dreamt/wanted/imagined.

More often than not, for me, personally – I’m not happy with the cost. If not exercising meant no me time, no energy, sleeping all weekend, feeling miserable and being a horrible person – then I would not be exercising. If meal planning meant that there were no more questions of whats for dinner, my grocery shopping is cheaper and easier, and we are eating healthier – then by God I am going to meal plan, and use that hour of my night where the dinner question was the only conversation to have some better quality time! You get the picture?

Im not sure how this turned into a preachy rant about planning – other than to say it allowed me to practise diligence and achieve more of my goals, that I didn’t even realise that I had. And also to say – I am not special. I am exactly like you, I go through similiar struggles, frustrations and worries. I’m not someone who has some superhuman amazing bone – I drink too much red bull, laugh too loud, cry too easily. However, I am part of the same amazing sisterhood that the majority of you are, and that means that I can, and I do achieve things that I never thought were possible (whatever that ends up looking like!).

One. Freaking. Step. At. A. Time.

P.S. It always seems impossible until its done. So there.

Tags: exercise, health, mental-health, travel, vacation

Comments 29 Comments
Categories IBOT, SYL '12

i am an illusion

24 Mar

source: ‘Move. Nourish. Believe’ Lorna Jane Clarkson

I always find it very interesting, almost amusing to the point of annoying that when you are in the decision making stage of change, that no one seems to have much of an opinion. Almost like the grandstands are in that hushed, holding breath moment of ‘ohhh whats going to happen next’ and the minute, almost to the second where you have made your decision, and its concrete in your heart and your mind, the crowd erupts! EVERYONE has an opinion, a reason why what you are doing is wrong, why in their opinion you should have done x, y or z – really anything except what you have done, or are doing.

But you know the other sort of people I am talking about, the people that I mean. The haters that hate, because you’re cutting a bit too close to the bone. Because you are a reflection of what they wish to be, and for whatever reason haven’t moved a millimetre to becoming. Because acknowledging that will force them to change and move out of their comfort zones. Because why should you get to splurge on expensive clothes when 90% of the time you budget extremely well, and how dare you start glowing because of all the little changes you have made.

Don’t worry, I don’t recognise me either. This person who craves a banana or boiled egg when they are feeling tired to give them sustained energy over a twirl or packet of smiths crinkle cut plain chips. The person who has only had takeaway for one meal this entire week, and even then it was pasta – not mcdonalds. I don’t know this person who is excited to go home because its sunny and she can’t wait to run. This person who just signed up to the gym to work on strength and stretching. This person who finally understands her body and how it works and how many calories are right for it, and how it responds to the activities it is doing.

What I do know, is that in every step, every cent spent, every hour pored over the latest research, meal plan or information, is that i am loving myself more and choosing which voices will be loudest. Because when I am able to do that, and do that consistently then the more the changes will be suitable, and sustainable.

As Dan said in that movie Half Nelson, ‘When you breathe, you inhale and you exhale, but every single time that you do that you’re a little bit different than the one before. We are always changing.’ Thats right. Always changing. And if loving myself more, means that I’m someone that I have never been before, then so be it.

Because I am well and truly on the way to becoming the best version of me.

Every. Single. Day.

< and part of being the best me, is supporting my peeps in this online community – gorgeous Peggy and her self love soiree, helping me to remember that joy starts with being kind to yourself>

Tags: health, healthy-living, plain chips, travel, vacation, yoga

Comments 14 Comments
Categories Gratitude, Love

don’t you know that I’m still standing

20 Mar

better than I ever did

So.

Lunch time yesterday – I developed a killer headache.
Killer as in my head is going to literally fall of my shoulders
and I can’t even remember names any more type headache.

Caffeine withdrawl?
Maybe.
Grabbed some sugar free red bull
from the Kwik-E-Mart next door.
no cigar.

Driving home, an hour later.
angry. headachy. tired.

Choices.

We always have them.
And I wanted to choose to stick to my commitment.

to shove on that new workout gear that I picked up from the PO that morning
to get my barely charged iPod
to tie up those shoelaces
to walk out that door

the commitment was only half an hour
three times a week
half an hour
….

im so glad to have made the choice to stick to it
to get out there regardless of that killer head
to work through the stitch that came at minute 11.45
to find the perfect PERFECT running path in the park behind our path
one walking interval = one length down the hill
one running interval = one length up the hill
to feel proud, SO proud
that even though i was HOT and sweaty
that every time that man told me to run, i ran
everytime he told me to walk, i sent a prayer of thanks his way
and then when he said it was cool down time
i thought, what, that time has just gone way too fast
and aside from this buggery of a stitch
i did it.

i totally did it.

I feel empowered.
because every time, it will be a choice
and it won’t ever be harder than it was tonight
ever

and that faced with the killer headache
the tired that comes with a Monday
i ran those bloody intervals
and i feel strong
empowered
free

supported, cheered on, encouraged.
blessed.

Tags: caffeine withdrawl, exercise, health, healthy-living, travel, vacation

Comments 20 Comments
Categories C25K, IBOT

So I landed on my feet

19 Mar

the steadiness is bittersweet. It feels the same when you’re pushed, out and away into the crush… I can barely see up and down and back again… If who I am today is a sign of where I am going, I am ready to embrace.

Sometimes, just sometimes it is really easy to get stuck in emotions that make us feel totally justified and vindicated. I am ‘allowed’ to feel angry and like crap, because the living daylights was just abused out of my little heart and soul and I didn’t even say a word. I am ‘justified’ in not wanting to get out of bed all day because my week has been really hard and I feel like garbage. I am ‘allowed’ to wallow because my feelings are hurt and its. just. not. fair.

And whilst all of this may be absolutely true, and justified, and vindicated – what good is it serving anyone, especially me, if I allow myself to become stuck. Completely and totally stuck in these emotions and then my life slows down and then I am completely stuck in the mud in more areas than just simply ‘i hurt’.

Forgiving yourself, is far more important (and difficult) then getting others to forgive you.

Gratitude.

Its easy to write it off as ‘another buzz word’.

Kindness.

It’s easy to let ‘someone else’ do it.

But it’s better if you do. And whilst that is a very fun song by Panic at the Disco, its definitely a buzz that is worth focusing on, particularly when it is ‘easier’ not to. I got a lot of comments on the last post around how lucky I was to have a rowdy bunch of cheerleaders to help pick me up - and half of you would not have known that you are part of those rowdy cheerleaders! Taking time to read a blog, and then leave a comment is harder than it sounds – and yet so many of you do every week, and I feel blessed, blessed to have you rooting for me, cheering me on, commiserating and yet having such faith that the next post I will be lighter, and on my way to flying.

I’ve spent time this week, being kind, and a lot of that kindness was directed at myself. I can be quite a nasty nugget, particularly when I feel that I am not doing so well, and knowing that I am doing all that I can and beyond my best can be a little frustrating when I don’t see results. Being kind to myself involved listening to what my body needed – and it wasn’t always cheesy fries (unfortunately!). My body wants to run, it wants to feel that freedom of running, and regular exercise – and I have some very loud, consistent cheerleaders already so supportive in that (i’m looking at you shelley and lee, linda and aroha!) and some excellent podcasts to get me started. My body wanted me to go to bed at 7pm one night because it needed to not think anymore, it needed me to switch off. No probs Bob, we went to bed, we slept, we woke up. Simple! My body wanted chocolate, it got it. It wanted to sleep in until 11.14 this morning, and then another hour nap at 2pm? No worries. How do I feel? Peaceful. Relaxed. Comforted.

It was only in slowing down, and being kind to myself, that I was able to better focus on having an attitude of gratitude (hows that for a catch phrase) and to also practise kindness to others. Lord knows its harder to be grateful and kind when your body and your mind are cranky because you aren’t looking after it first and foremost. However, it is also amazing, how far picking up someones papers from the printer and delivering them as you walk past their desk back to yours goes. Or stopping to ask how they are and staying for a chat for five minutes when you’ve never ‘bothered’ before goes. Or admiring someones clothes, or haircuts. And my word, have you ever noticed how tactile women are – not being a great fan of invasion of my personal space bubble, I found it rather extraordinary working in an office where there are only two males, how far a simple hug, or pat on the arm went.

Regardless, the whole you get what you give out definitely has some truth to it. Or maybe we just give pause to notice more. Whichever it is, I kept on getting a boat load of compliments through out the week – and being the horror at small talk that I am, I often felt awkward. And then I got annoyed – what sort of culture are we building for ourselves when we don’t even know the appropriate response to a compliment – and I will give you a hint, embarrassment is not the response we are looking for!

I definitely feel that after the last term of uni and the stress of all those assignments, my habits and daily operating brain went on a month long hiatus. To the point where I am just annoying myself, and then it started raining pretty much non stop in Sydney, which annoyed me even further. I want to focus particularly this week, on getting back to my routine. To be diligent with this term’s uni work, on writing regularly, commenting regularly, cooking our meals (thanks mum for Monday lunch btw, so appreciated because otherwise I would have been having cheese toast again) and I am going to start running tonight.

I’ve had my run of time out, of sinking, of pulling myself out – and now I need my time of getting back to routine, creating new ones and continuing to be connected. I’ve had to be so kind to myself to recognise that, and for that I am grateful and humbled because it all goes back to those quiet whispers. Your body and soul will always, always whisper to you what exactly it needs, what you need to do.

Every step of the way.

Comments 26 Comments
Categories Life, SYL '12

we are all made of stars..

13 Mar

There are a number of blogs that I read regularly. Beautiful, amazing women who make me laugh, think, be better, and cry along with them. Most of them I engage with regularly, some I twit-banter with more than regularly. I am making blog friends, and it is awesome. All sorts of awesome. One blog I read, and realised the other day that I engage in less than normal – i think because at first it scared the bejeesus out of me. As much as Shelley from My Shoebox Life is an amazing beautiful chick and just all sorts of lovely, i was reading her daily posts on doing the 12 week body transformation.

For me, as an excellent couch potato, the thought of undertaking such a challenge was, um, daunting? Horrifying? I mentally cheered her on, and commented here and there… whereas my mental thoughts were more along the line of ‘oh gawd, good for her, what an awesome chick for getting out there and totally doing it, and rocking it!’ which she was. And then, a few weeks in, I could totally read, and feel the changes that were happening, without Shell even saying as much – Shelley was smashing through those walls, physically and mentally, and sistah was absolutely rocking it.

And my thoughts went from couch-side cheering to thinking of maybe, just maybe I could do that to. Oh Lordy, not the whole thing, just the running thing. Maybe just once a week run out the door thing, thats doable. Super easy… i don’t need to cart my bike anywhere or be scared of death wobbles. I could just chuck on… um… suitable clothing. Which… is not currently in my cupboard. Anywhere.

And as hard as it is for me to purchase things for myself (hello year of the house must save must save must save) sometimes, a little self love goes a long way. See cases in point below:

LOOK HOW CUTE THOSE ARE!!! Who couldn’t run quick mile in these cute things? Because, as it has been pointed out to me more than once, or twice, or a few million times – a little exercise will do me the freaking world of good. Not to mention those little sunshine rays – of which I overdosed on watching AK play 18 holes of golf on Sunday.

And hello, my and my new fringe will totally, TOTALLY rock these outfits, even when we are red and wheezy and puffy out of breath even running five metres…

And knowing, totally knowing that you aren’t alone… that so many of your friends are finding their motivation and tweeting about it, evenings, early saturdays – helping you in ways they don’t know to realise it isn’t just impossible, its just another journey to cheer each other on with. Thats what life is for right – those cheer girls, and being blessed to be others cheer girl. (which is way better than being someones home girl. I’m pretty sure, anyway.) I would however, like Australia to answer me why so many of my awesome online friends live in either Melbourne or QLD. Seriously. GrrR.

So this week, self love, is believing that you can do things you never imagined that you could.It is believing that there are amazing stores of potential within me, just waiting, waiting for me to dig deep, polish it up and unleash that excellence.

And, PS, hows this for another awesome link up find

seriously. how much in need are we to stop. collaborate and listen…. and remember how important this is to do for ourselves… LOVE

Tags: body transformation, health

Comments 17 Comments
Categories Gratitude, Love

do it anyway…

12 Mar

source

Fear is a funny thing. Well, not funny per se, perhaps more strange, highly individualised. Ingrained, sometimes like a growth threatening to over take our ‘normal’ and turning us into new different versions of who we used to be. Depending, at times on what we do with these wonderful and complex emotions.

A quick chat in the big room (read six highly different opinionated women) on Friday afternoon withdrew a list of fears as different as we all were: fear of slugs. fear of heights. fear of feeling lonely. fear of death. fear of loss. fear of snakes. fear of being out of control. fear of harm. fear of going to church. fear of politics. fear of confrontation. fear of not being enough. fear of being let down. fear of being a let down. fear of failure. fear of running late.

i know, that where i am at now there are things, and choices that i am unable to do because of fear. and it mostly comes down to not being enough. Why doesn’t my blog have a Facebook page? Why don’t I purchase my own domain name? Why don’t I attend bloggers conferences, ‘force’ my way into lunches, be louder, BE KNOWN! A part of that is because i absolutely don’t want to lose the essence of why i write, and started to document it here in the first place. another is i don’t want to compare or be compared – i guess that is still keeping the main thing, the main thing – not losing the heart and essence of why i do what i do. (like not using a capital ‘i’ this entire post, right?).

one thing that i am learning – is that i am not responsible, i cannot let myself hold myself responsible, for how others feel. i am not saying that i am super-human-bot who is also known as God, or the perfect one. i wish, ha! i can accept that i am an adult, and a human, and a woman at that, and there are times that i need to be responsible, and apologise where i have messed up or hurt someone. i am saying, that everyone is entitled to their opinions and their feelings. and when people interact, then there are surely to be times that everything is not so smooth. am i responsible for the words, the opinions, the actions of others? not at all. i can own my thoughts, reactions and words toward that – but i can’t own anyone else’s.

for me this is super hard. i am a peacemaker, and if i’m not being the peacemaker, then the only way i find peace is when i know the right thing to do to fix it. and sometimes, there is no right. there is no way to fix it.

saturday morning, after two solid weeks of not being enough, for anyone, anyone, feeling terribly isolated and bruised, i absolutely one million percent did not, no way want to get out of bed. and let me tell you, bed was comfortable. sleeping was fanfrickingtastic. the nine episodes of one tree hill season nine was waiting – laptop and charger hand delivered to me in bed. four hours in my back was killing me. it was hot. i was smelly. i had to go to the hairdresser for haircut for the first time in eighteen months. life, people who love me, don’t let me stay in bed all day when im feeling down. i get to feel down, and keep living life anyway. and in the middle of ‘living life anyway’ my heart begins to feel less bruised – like that light brown yellow colour the bruise goes straight after the black-purple.

so, this i know. when i am wrong, or when i am not enough those that love me, and value me, show me grace, and grace enough to let me work through that and encourage me to be a better me. those that don’t, i don’t really need to listen to so loudly. those that cannot show me grace in that moment, i am able to give space to, for a time.

in the midst of fear, of not being enough, there are always options. and there are always cheerleaders, who will cheer a lot, a lot louder than any of the haters. and they will keep cheering. and checking in. and inviting you to come back. day in, day out.

because they don’t let you become the hermit that you want to be because its easier. they push you to shine, to show the world the amazing, courageous, strong, beautiful woman that you are.

< read more here about the SYL ’12 challenge, and the amazing, courageous, strong, beautiful women taking part! >

Tags: health, politics, travel, vacation